Wow, they're remaking everything aren't they? Now I remember seeing the original COTT when I was a kid and loving it. It had everything a young 12-or-so year old could want -- action, monsters, mythology, and boobs. It was the perfect film. Then I went back and rewatched it again as an adult. What a mess. It's such a weird, convoluted, mix-match of stories that it barely makes any sense at all, epsecially if you know the original myths and are trying to keep track of what fits and what doesn't. But it did still have some charm. The stop motion animation was both wonderful and cheesy. The monsters were still fun monsters. And while it didn't have any of that annoying glib tongue-in-cheek dialog, it didn't seem to take itself too seriously. It was meant to be fun. (And I mentioned the boobs, right?)
So how was the remake? It sucked.
The story: first we are told about how three gods battled the titans long ago. Hades created the Kraken which defeated the titans, but then Zeus tricked him into ruling the underworld (and water, I think) while Zeus ruled the land to worship him, which would give him power. Hades learned another way to get power -- through human's fearing him. Much, much later, a baby is pulled from the sea (with his dead mother, maybe?) and raised by fisherman. Then while they are fishing they see soldiers destroying a statue to Zeus. Hades comes up and destroys the soldiers and then destroys Perseus' fishing boat, killing his entire family. The soldiers take Perseus back to the king and at a feast the king compares his daughter to the god Andromeda. The gods don't like this and Hades kills all the soldiers, but not Perseus, revealing he is a demi-god. Then Hades says he will destroy the people unless they sacrifice the daughter to the Kraken. We hear Perseus' backstory -- Zeus tricked his mother into sleeping with him as punishment for his father doing something -- and then Perseus agrees to try to stop the Kraken. Hades tries to stop him, but Perseus finds a sword and a winged horse to help him. Eventually he learns he needs the head of medusa as that is the only thing that will kill the Kraken, so he and the soldiers set out to do that before the Kraken arrives and kills the king's daughter. Persues pervails. The Kraken is defeated. Hades is sent back to the underworld. Perseus tells his father he would rather be mortal than a god. Zeus gives the princess to Perseus. The End.
Um, okay...what the hell happened? No, seriously, I just watched the movie and wrote the synopsis and I still don't understand it. Now if you want to turn your brain off completely and listen to music while you just watch the pretty pictures on the screen, then it's something with gods, fighting, Kraken will kill the princess, journey, need to get the head of medusa, kill the Kraken, happy ending. But if you want a STORY, if you want something other than random action and lots of CGI, then what the F*%*$#&$ just happened???? It is so convoluted and backwards and nothing really ties together and it all feels completely random.
Now maybe this is to be expected. (Maybe???) I mean, most of the time when they are doing these remakes they gut the original and totally screw everything up, so if the original movie was a bit of a mess, then the remake is going to ten times as fugly. But it's still disappointing. I mean, doesn't anyone want to tell a STORY anymore?
So what happened in the original?
The story (1981): two gods, Zeus and Thetis, have children they love. But Thetis' child is cruel and kills things, including Zeus' winged horses. As punishment Zeus curses him and turns him into a horribly disfigured creature and banishes him. Theits in turn curses the princess so that a suitor has to answer a riddle or be killed. Perseus hears of this curse and one night follows the princess into the swamp where she meets Thetis' disfigured son. Perseus fights him, cutting off his hand. The next day Perseus presents as a suitor and answers the riddle with the hand of Thetis' son (his ring was the answer). Perseus and the princess set to marry. But Thetis's son wants revenge. Thetis cannot punish Perseus, but she can destroy the princess and the city. At the wedding someone compares the princess's beauty to Thetis and in turn Thetis demonds the princess be sacrificed to the Kraken. Now Perseus sets off to find a way to save the princess, which will involved killing medusa and using her head to turn the Kraken to stone...
Now, there are problems with that story -- it's especially convoluted -- but at the heart it is pretty simple and makes sense. Two gods love their sons, but their sons will come in conflict and as one god punishes the others son, the other god will try to punish the first son. Additionally, there is a love triangle among the mortals, with Persus falling for the princess (the ex- of the other son) and then having to take a dangerous journey to save her.
Compare that to he remake where the basic story is...I have no idea. He still sets out to defeat the Kraken, but I'm not even sure why the Kraken is set loose anyway. It has to do with people worshiping or not worshiping or fearing or something? I don't know. at no point did I feel like the story in the remake made sense. And the CGI was crap. Medusa was LAME and the Kraken was so generic it was boring too. I wasn't expecting a masterpiece, but I thought they'd come up with a decent, simple story and then have some fun monsters and cool action. Instead...
It was crap.
*** (the remake) -- AVOID and then AVOID again ****
*** (the orignal 1981 film) -- maybe see if you like mythology and monsters ****
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