VAMPIRES: OUT FOR BLOOD (a review)

VAMPIRES: OUT FOR BLOOD (a review)

A horror movie with Kevin Dillon (Entourage), Lance Hendricksen (Aliens), Vanessa Angel (Weird Science) and Jodi Lyn O'Keefe? It must be good right? Or horrible since no one has heard of it. You always got to wonder when name actors are in horror movies you've never heard of...

The story: a cop who can't get over his ex- and has a drinking problem encounters a weird vampire orgy where he is bitten and begins to turn into a vampire. Except no one belives him. They think he's crazy because there's no evidence and he's talking like a crazy person. But his ex-, who writes books about vampires, believes him and together they try to kill the head vampire, except the ex- doesn't really want to kill the head vampire, she wants to become a vampire herself and so things go bad and then the cops come and they still think he's crazy and his ex- comes back when he's in the mental ward but no one else can see her so he kills her but there's still no evidence and he still seems crazy and then she isn't dead.

Was it good?

No. I mean, seriously, did you read what I just wrote? The amazing thing is that this was good enough to get a bunch of name actors involved. Of course, it could be that the actors needed a job and this was paying. Yikes. Bad script, bad f/x, bad directing, bad camera work, bad edits... If this had been a no budget outsider movie it would have been bad. To have had pros on set and turn out this, yikes!

*** AVOID ***

A BIT OF TOM JONES (a review)

A BIT OF TOM JONES (a review)

A British film with one of the most brilliant concepts for a comedy I've ever heard...

The story: a man in a bar buys the penis of legendary singer Tom Jones from a woman in a bar thinking he will sell it and make some much needed money. Yes, he buys Tom Jones's penis. Of course, selling it is harder than he would have imagined and between finding a seller and failing to find a buyer and getting rid of the thing and then finding a buyer and having to get it back from the police who he thinks has it...well, yeah, it's pretty out there.

Was it good?

No. And it's hard to explain why. Everything about the movie should have been amazing. I love -- LOVE -- the premise, easily the funniest idea for a comedy I have ever heard. And the story, with him trying to sell it and trying to find buyers and then trying to steal it back from the police and getting caught between the various unsavory collectors who want it...all of that should have been gold.

And yet...

It just wasn't funny. I mean, I don't think I luaghed once and I should have been on the floor rolling with this stuff. It just felt like something was off. They say comedy is timing and maybe the timing was wrong or something. Maybe it was the lack of surprises -- for as crazy of a concept as it has the humor was actually pretty tame -- that made it feel too predictable to be funny. Even the old people in fetish gear really wasn't surprising.

I don't know. It's shame because I thought it had amazing potential and I kept watching it thinking this should be funny...but it wasn't.

*** NOT RECOMMENDED (although I wish I could) ***

BUNNY BULL (a review)

BUNNY AND THE BULL (a review)

A strange British comedy about a man who goes on a road trip without leaving his apartment. It is from a writer and star of the British tv show THE MIGHTY BOSH which I've never seen but will not have to check out.

The story: a man who has been a shut in for a year has his routine ruined when mice eat all of his food. Having now to venture out he finds himself reconstructing a road trip he took with an outrageous sex crazed, fun loving pal who was trying to help him get over a woman he loved but who didn't love him.

Was it good?

Yeah, it's a strange, surreal, silly and interesting. It isn't the big laugh out loud, but it's constantly interesting and it does a great job with the characters. Unfortunately, the biggest problem is the main character who is a shut in and whining over a girl for most of the movie, making him incredibly annoying. It's basic to the character, but still these sorts of characters make it hard to embrace a movie and it would have been much better to find some way to let the audience like him more.

Also worth mentioning is the visual style of the film. The transitions from his apartment to the road trip and his recreations of the road trip are all wonderfully inventive and yet don't overwhelm the character or the story. This visual whimsy adds a wonderful touch.

*** RECOMMEND ***

POPCORN (2007) (a reivew)

POPCORN (2007) (a reivew)

No, this isn't the 1991 horror movie with Jill Schoelen (whom we all remember from the original STEPFATHER with Terry O'Quinn). This is a 2007 British teen comedy.

The story: awkward guy falls for total hottie who doesn't notice him and so he does lots and lots of outrageous stuff trying to win her love. In this case, he takes a job where she works (local movie theater) and then after several failed attempts starts using schemes from movies to win her over, including as a final scheme pretending he is in love with another girl and getting her help so that they can be together and she will get to know him and want to jump his bones. Along the way there's also stuff with the manager and others stealing and someone from corporate undercover at the theater trying to figure out who it is.

Was it good?

Kind of. Maybe it's because it's British so some of the humor didn't come across. There's a lot to like here (even though my synopsis doesn't really capture it). The idea of the hopeless geek using movie advice to win a girl while working in the movie theater is pretty good and the girl he falls for is interesting -- pretty but not the empty headed girl most of these movies are about where sure they look hot, but after five minutes of her yammering you don't care if he gets the girl, you just hope you get to watch him bone the girl.

The problem with the movie is that it is just all over the place. It isn't focused enough and there isn't any feeling of stakes. For instance, the guy gets a job at the movie theater but it turns out it's the hot girl's last day...except there isn't much made of the fact that this is his last chance. Then there's a party but why have it at all? Why not make him connect with her on that last day instead of having this extra chance for him? And then the love triangle -- when he is pursuing one girl while pretending to be in love with another -- is good, but more could have been done with it. In fact the concept that he is falling movie advice could have been used a lot stronger too. That really is the problem with the movie -- there is a lot of good stuff and the cast is pretty nice, but it just always feels like it's at half speed. Of course, then, because it isn't Hollywood it has to avoid the kind of happy ending you really want after following these characters, so even there it's a bit of a let down. Maybe they thought they were being clever, but I would have liked a more fulfilling ending instead.

Still...there's a lot to like here, especially if you go into it knowing it feels more like an indy comedy than a Hollywood comedy (although I would have liked the HW version more).

*** RECOMMEND ****

SOMEONE'S KNOCKING ON THE DOOR (a review)

SOMEONE'S KNOCKING ON THE DOOR (a review)

Weird trippy, trippy movie. Horror, comedy, satire, 70's vibe...

The story: when a med student is murdered, his friends fall under suspicion from the local cops. It all started when the kids were poking around (illegally) in the records and found tapes of psych sessions with a notorious murder/rapist couple who now seem to be coming back in people's dreams to kill and rape them.

Was it good?

Wow, this was weird. At times it felt so low budget and so cheey I hated it. Other times it was oddly cool. The strange comic vibe I think hurt it making it hard to take any of it seriously, so it never really gets scary or creepy and makes the acting annoying as hell in places. Still, there was a lot that was interesting. The story of the murder/rapist couple and the idea that these people listened to the tapes and now are being haunted (or hunted) by the couple was cool. And there was just enough that was weirdly interesting to keep me watching. Still the ending while it gives the movie it's first emotional moment, it's also the sort of cop out that I hate (no, I won't give it away).

Not sure what to put. It didn't work enough as a horror movie to recommend it. It didn't work as a comedy. And yet, it was oddly interesting...

*** AVOID and RECOMMEND (recommend as a weird/trippy movie...avoid if you want a regular horror and/or comedy movie)

ALONE IN THE DARK (a review)

ALONE IN THE DARK (a review)

This movie is directed by Uwe Boll. Now for most people -- or at least anyone who has ever heard of Uwe Boll -- that says enough. Uwe Boll is widely considered to be the worst director working/breathing/existing today. His movies regularly make the 100 Worst of lists and he is a virtual lock for a razzie nomination every time he gets behind the camera. He has had petitions formed with the idea of getting him to retire. He is best (worst?) known for his movie adaptations of video games. But I have to be honest here...for all the low budget schlock this guy has made, and for all the low budget schlock I watch, I had actually never seen a Uwe Boll movie and this one starred Christian Slater so I figured I'd give it a try. Of course, it also starred Tara Reid...

The story: As a child Edward Carnby (played by Christian Slater) escaped from a government paranormal agency that was experimenting on children and now he is a detective of the paranormal. When he recieves an ancient Abkani artifact that can open the gateway between the worlds of light and dark and unleash creatures that thrive on darkness, he and a young anthropologist who is also his ex- (played by Tara Reid) have to stop the demons from reopening the portal and destroying the world.

Was it good?

No. But I have to say it wasn't as bad as a lot of people make Boll films out to be. I mean, this is a film that had a 1% ranking on Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah, it's bad and a bit of a mess, but no more so than most low budget films.

First, my synopsis isn't that accurate. I mean, it leaves out a lot of stuff. That's one of the problems with the movie -- there are so many weird things going on and most of them aren't really explained and don't really make sense. It's like LOST, but without the good characters and emotion that made people forget all the questions and stupid crap that that tv show had.

I mean, first you have the ancient culture opening a doorway and unleashing demons. Then you have a government paranormal program. Then this guy escaped, but he's a paranormal detective and he had somethign done to him and the other kids in the program are involved. And he has an ex- and she is involved. Then there are creatures, but sometimes they take over people except they can't go in the light except as people they can and there's this mine shaft thing and...yikes. I don't know. By the 1 our point I had stopped really paying attention because none of it was working for me. Maybe for someone paying more attention all of this would have made more sense.

I will say that I like Christian Slater. Was this his best role? No, but it wasn't horrible. Tara Reid isn't good, but she isn't ridiculously horrible either. And Uwe Boll as a director? He's mediocre, which when paired with a story that's a mess makes him look really bad. I mean, there's no real visual style to the film, there are no good character moments, there's just nothing good to point to and say -- that's what this director can do well. If this movie had been directed with a stronger visual style (like PITCH BLACK) it would have fans. If the story had been better/more coherent it would have fans. If there had just been those 2-3 moments were people go "Cool!" it would have fans. But alas, the mediocre directing really killed it. And I do mean mediocre and not bad. If this guy had a tight, compelling script he probably could make a good movie. The problem is that he oversees the writing as well, so he gets the lame-script blame as well.

Still for kids looking for a creature/action film they could do worse. But of course they could also do much, much better.

*** AVOID ***

SEVENTH MOON (a review)

SEVENTH MOON (a review)

A horror movie starring Amy Smart? Sign me up. Unfortunately this is one of those at night movies where no one bothered to turn on a f****ing light while they were filming it. Between that and the shaky cam/always in close up this was basically a friggin' radio play!

The story: a couple about to get married go to China to meet the guys parents, but instead get lost in this rural area where people put animal outside their doors because there are these weird creatures that will kill you if you don't give them an animal. Of course they don't have an animal, so they run around trying to escape and then get caught and, uh, stuff.

Was it good?

You mean was the sound good, because for 80% of it you couldn't see a f***ing thing!!!! Jeez, how hard is it to figure out -- IT'S A MOVIE, WHEN FILMING TURN ON A LIGHT!!! I get that it's at night and rural and the woods, but there's no point it FILMING it if the audience can't SEE anything. And it's not like BLAIR WITCH where they could make the fake-documentary excuse. This was just horrible. Now, keeping it dark so we don't get a good look at the creatures...well, that makes sense. Creatures in the dark might be scarier. But so dark that we can't see the protagonists???? And to always film in close up and keep the camera skaing so much that you spend 90% of the time not being able to see a f***Ing thing?!?!?!? I mean, you hired Amy Smart for a reason -- was it because she sounds good during voice overs, because for 90% of the time you couldn't see enough to figure out what the F was happening!

Here's a radical idea for horror directors: when you make a film and are getting a shot, understand what the audience needs to see to make the shot work and then tun on enough lights that we can see the Fing thing!!!

It's a shame because the film might have been good. Any Smart. Weird Chinese myth. That can have potential. But this was just an epic, epic FAIL. And let's be clear -- all the blame should go to the director. Anyone so stupid that they don't know that to get an image on film you have to turn on a light should be making a movie. Dear director: YOU FAILED.

***AVOID ****