GEISHA ASSASSIN (a review)

GEISHA ASSASSIN (a review)

Another Asian b-movie review! Two in a row! Weekend double feature! Woohoo!

The story: a geisha seeks out the man who killed her father and has to kill a lot of people to get to him.

Was it good?

Um, not really. The first half was just fight scene after fight scene. All the fights were like B-movie monsters -- they were passable, but nothing great. No great moves, no great wire stunts. Lots of hitting and swords and spinning, but it was all kind of meh. In the second half I think they got into the story more -- there are flashbacks of her as a young girl and her father, but by then I'd checked out and was multitasking so I missed a lot (foreign films with subtitles are hard to watch while multitasking). Maybe it came together, but for me it was too little too late.

*** PASS (but it wasn't horrible) ***

Recommend instead: there are so many good kung fu movies -- CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON and HERO and ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA and RUMBLE IN THE BRONX and...well, there are a lot of better kung fu movies.

TOKYO GORE POLICE (a review)

TOKYO GORE POLICE (a review)

WTF??? If you are looking for weird, bloody, over the top violence in a strange silly way and tons of strange, bizarre, strange...uh...weirdness, then this is the movie for you.


The story: (with help from Wiki) set in the future in Japan where the police force is privatized, a young girl, Ruka, helps the police hunt down engineered people -- people who have been DNA-altered so that whenever they get hurt they grow a weapon and go on a rampage. The person changing them is the "Key Man" and to kill these people you have to cut out a key shaped tumor that is inside each of them. Eventually Ruka meets the Key Man and kills him after learning that his father was also killed unjustly and in fact they are both looking for the same man because the same man ordered both kills -- he ordered the Key Man's father to kill Ruka's father and then had the Key Man's father killed. So now Ruka goes after the man who started all this.

Was it good?

Wow. Words like "good" and "bad" just don't seem to apply. This movie is so over the top strange...and I'm usually good for a big dose of strange, but this was even weird for me. From the over the top violence to people growing weapons to fetish clubs to flashbacks to suicide commercials to everything else. It was an overload of strange. But I'm a multitasker and a subtitled movie with lots of weird can lose me and this one definitely did. Usually when I get lost in a movie I ask myself if it was good enough to make me want to go back and watch it more closely. Here, the answer is no. All the weirdness and violence might be cool if I were in the right mood but I still want more of a story -- something with some emotion. And here, beside the revenge thing, which I'm not into -- I just got the feeling that nothing was there. And for all the satire (commecials with smiling school girls selling suicide instruments), I'm not exactly sure what is being satirized. Again and again, I just didn't connect.

*** NOT RECOMMENDED ***

R.I.P. John Wooden, age 99

John Wooden passed away today at the age of 99. Known most for being the coach at UCLA who won 10 national titles, he was also an all american and national champion as a player and a leader and educator for years after he retired. He was considered not only the great college basketball coaches, but one of the greatest coaches in all of sports. Rest in peace.

WASTING AWAY (a review)

WASTING AWAY (a review)

A cool idea. Not cool execution.

The story: four friends in a bowling alley eat infected ice cream and turn into zombies...except they don't know they are zombies. In fact, they think they have been given a super soldier formula while everyone else has turned into zombies. And now they scramble around the city trying to live their lives, afraid of the "infected" until they realize that they are the zombies

Was it good?

Not quite. I mean, it wasn't horrible, but it wasn't actually good either. Which is too bad because telling a zombie story from the zombie's POV is a great idea. The problem is it just doesn't go anywhere. Most of the time the people don't have any real goal -- they think others are infected, but don't seem to be trying to do anything about it (either running toward help or trying to kill them or finding a cure or whatever) and the one note joke of them being zombies and not realizing it isn't that funny to begin with and repeated again and again doesn't make it more funny. The thing about these POV shift stories -- like MARY REILLY which told the story of Jeckyl and Hyde from the maids point of view or WICKED which tells the Wicked Witch's story from Wizard of Oz -- is that they actually have to have a story, something to say. there needs to be a good reason to tell a story from this shifted point of view and just "I thought it would be neat" isn't enough. So in the end it's a lot of running around, a couple jokes repeated over and over and not much else. The funniest parts are when one of the zombies who is just a head begins leading the group. That was a couple good laughs. The rest was blah.

*** NOT RECOMMENDED ***

FATAL ATTRACTION (a remembering)

FATAL ATTRACTION (a remembering)

Another classic moive. It's formula is simple -- the spurned woman (usually after the guys screws her) who won't take no for an answer to the point of stalking and violence. It's been used in plenty of movies since -- OBSESSED, THE CRUSH, SWIMFAN -- but none of them have done it as well at this.

The story: Dan (played by Michael Douglas) has an affair with Alex (played by Glen Close) while his wife is out of town. But then he breaks it off because he really does love his wife (*cough*). But Alex won't take no for an answer and keeps inserting herself into his life more and more -- from phone calls to showing up at work to coming over to his house, and as he keeps trying to break it off she keeps obsessing more and more until the big, violent finale.

Was it good?

It's better than good. This is the creme-de-la-creme. The story plays out simply and doesn't rush, letting us get to know the characters and build and build and build. There are no big twists, no surprise endings -- just the gradual build as the situation escalates again and again and again. The acting is great and the directing is smart and sharp.

But before I give the recommendation it's interesting to compare this movie to a few others, most notably BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY. Now that's a very different type of movie -- there a woman has an affair and it's seen as this big romantic (even tragically romantic since she chooses to be with her husband instead) thing. Now we could dismiss it is BRIDGES was the only movie that had this, but it's amazing how often a woman having an affair is seen as romantic or fun (ala DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES) while when a man has an affair, it is essentially always shown as a despicable thing and quite often someone ends up dying because of it. One interesting exception is the movie UNFAITHFUL by the same director, Adrian Lyne, where a woman has an affair and his husband ends up killing the man. But even then the woman's affair doesn't lead to a physical attack on her the way the man's affairs seem to and in fact even the killing is less about the violence of the act then about the guilt imposed on the characters afterwards. It's a weird contradiction to me -- women complain about men having double standards, but it seems like there are plenty of places women have imposed double standards as well, and in fiction the way affairs are portrayed seems to be one of them.

Still...

If you are looking for a thriller this is one of the best.

*** ABSOLUTELY RECOMMEND ***

Classics... ARACHNOPHOIBIA (a remembering)

ARACHNOPHOIBIA (a remembering)

Okay, so the reason why I call this a remembering instead of a review is that to me the older movies (this was made in 1990) are either automatically good and worth watching or bad and forgotten. There just aren't that many crappy movies from 20+ years ago that you will stumble on and watch. Sure, maybe you've heard how great BLUES BROTHERS and you watch it and might think it sucks...but the movie was good enough to get a loyal band of followers who will remember it and love it to this day. As opposed to a movie like 1941 which isn't necessarily horrible but it wasn't good enough that people remember and love it. An oldie you might hate, but it's proven itself by the fact that at least some people love it.

ARACHNOPHOBIA was directed by Frank Marshall (better known as a producer for movies like RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and co-founder of Amblin Entertainment with Steven Spielberg) and stars John Goodman and Jeff Daniels.

The story: a city doctor and his family move out to the country which is a better place to raise their children, except a deadly South American spider has come into the area and its deadly offspring are killing people throughout the town. Now the doctor and an exterminator has to find the nest and kill the queen before the spiders population grows and kills everyone in town.

Was it good?

Yeah. It's good, but not great. It's not JAWS or GREMLINS. It's kind of silly (John Goodman's protrayal of the exterminator is very much like Bill Murray in CADDYSHACK) which is fun and it's kind of serious which is good too. The problem is that is just never is enough of either -- for a monster movie (even if they are little monsters) the scenes with the spiders just aren't scary enough. And the humor is okay but it isn't enough either in quantity or laugh-size. Still, it's a solid movie and for fans of creepy crawlies it's worth watching.

As a writer there were some interesting things I noticed. The movie starts with people in South America one of who gets killed and on whose body the spider travels back to the states. Then we jump to the town where the new doctor (played by Jeff Daniels) movies in. At first everything is nice, but then the old doctor decides not to retire so he can't take over his practice so...well, he's screwed. It's nice and interesting and it gives him a life apart from spiders, but it does take some time. I wonder if the movie were being made today if they wouldn't rush the story past that and just get to the spiders. Here, we're almost midway through the movie beore the protagonist realizes people are dying, then the next quarter he spends trying to convince people that it is because of spiders and then it's only the last quarter of the film that it really is man-vs-spiders. The other main character, the exterminator, also isn't introduced until midway through the movie. For me it worked, but I have a feeling all that would have to get movied up -- probably at the expense of the characters. That's a shame, because comparing this movie to most of the modern stuff and this movie easily beats them.

*** RECOMMEND (if you loke creepy crawlies) ***

HARD RIDE TO HELL (a review)

HARD RIDE TO HELL (a review)

Weird biker/satanist/special forces movie with an amulet. Stars Miguel Ferrer (he was in the original Robocop)..

The story: a group of kids out camping run into a bunch of bikers that terrorize them, except they aren't just bikers they are vampire/satanist bikers. Luckily the kids are helped by a traveling knife salesman who used to be special forces. Unfortunately, he doesn't help them before one of the girls is impregnated with a demon-baby that comes to term in a single night.

Was it good? You're kidding, right? Do you really think there's any way in hell this could have been good???? The film just has so many elemnts to it that it feels way, way beyond random. There is an idea I like in here -- these kids tangling with bikers who turn out to be something more...or maybe it was the idea of people stumbling onto a coven practicing some dark magic/human sacrifice. But by adding all this other stuff -- the traveling knif salesman who is special forces, the girl getting impregnated, the magic amulet, this ghost town so they apparently can have this confrontation in the church...at some point it just feels random...funny in fact, like it's supposed to be a joke. Except it isn't. If they had kept it simpler -- focused on one thing (stumbling on a coven OR bikers who are vampires/witches) then they could have done something cool if they had had a different director because this one didn't know what the hell she was doing. But as it is it's just a mess. (The director also wrote the script, btw.)

*** AVOID ***